candy cane
'Twas The Night Before Christmas (Dieter Version)

   
   
 Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips  
 were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips  
   
 Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care  
 in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there  
   
 While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps  
 had just settled down to sugar-borne naps  
   
 When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter  
 I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter  
   
 Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash  
 tore open the icebox then threw up the sash  
   
 The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow  
 sent thoughts of a binge to my body below  
   
 When what to my wandering eyes should appear:  
 a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!  
   
 That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick  
 I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick  
   
 The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer  
 I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear  
   
 On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS  
 a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox  
   
 From the top of the scales to the top of the hall  
 now dash away pounds now dash away all  
   
 Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress  
 my clothes were all bulging from too much excess  
   
 My droll little mouth and my round little belly  
 they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly  
   
 I spoke not a word but went straight to my work  
 ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk  
   
 And laying a finger beside my heartburn  
 I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned  
   
 I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry  
 if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by  
   
 And I mumbled again as I turned for the night  
 in the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!