candy cane
Fruitcake Recipe #2

   
  1.  Go to the crafts store.  
   
  2.  Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of  
      paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.  
   
  3.  Return home.  
   
  4.  Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-  
      out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can.  Better  
      yet, send it through your personal paper  shredder and use it  
      for insulation in the attic.  
   
  5.  Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the  
      disposable cake pan.  Place dried fruit on top, gently  
      pushing in so it looks "baked" in the "batter."  Let dry.  
   
  6.  Take your "fruitcake" out of the disposable cake pan.  
   
  7.  Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding  
      the fruit.  
   
  8.  Wrap your "fruitcake" in festive, colored saran wrap and  
      finish with a bow.  I like using red wrap because it gives a  
      warm glow to the "fruitcake."  
   
  9.  Give your "fruitcake" to someone you want to impress.  
      When they lift it, they'll say, "Wow! You must have made a  
      really rich fruitcake!"  Don't forget to smile and say, "Oh, its  
      Paris-style fruitcake."  
   
 10.  Don't worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake.  
      Nobody actually eats fruitcake... that's just a rumor.  Just so  
      you know, the dried fruit won't go "bad" because it has the  
      same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of  
      about 237 years.  
   
 Special note:  Make sure to sign your initials on the bottom of  
 your masterpiece-- just in case someone tries to give YOU a  
 "Paris-style fruitcake" next year...