Christmas Humor

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What do elves learn in school?
[The Elf-abet!]

What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
[It was already wound up.]

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
[Its true, Comet cleans sinks!]

How many reindeer does Santa Have???
[10 (named below)
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen
Rudoph (the one with the red nose)
Olive (Olive the other reindeer {all of})]

Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?
[No, you can have turkey like everyone else.]

What nationality is Santa Claus?
[North Polish.]

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
[Sandy Claws!]

What kind of bird can write?
[A PENguin.]

Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
[Because the angel had said,"No L!"]

Who is never hungry at Christmas?
[The turkey, he is always stuffed.]

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
[Claustrophobic.]

Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Prisoner: "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
Judge: "That's not an offense. How early were you doing this shopping?"
Prisoner: "Before the store opened."

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ?
[Santa Clues!]

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. Clerk: "What denomination?"
Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
[Jungle bells, jungle bells...]

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
[Pour Santa flush on him.]

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
[Snowflakes.]

Q: What does Father Christmas write on his cards at Christmas?
A: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (no-L)

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
[Your teeth.]

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
[Because it has long-distance runners on each side.]

What are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
[They both drop their needles.]

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
[because every buck is dear to him.]

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
[Fleece Navidad!]

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
[Crisp Cringle.]

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Avery
Avery who ?
Avery merry Christmas !

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
[You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.]

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree?
[A pineapple.]

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?
[Freeze a jolly good fellow...]

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
[It's Christmas, Eve!]

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
[We'll have a boo Christmas without you.]

What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
[Okay everyone, sack time!!]

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
[Missletoe!]

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
[A subordinate claus.]

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa
Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened
they all noticed a $5 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??
[Santa of course, the other two don't exist!]

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
[The letter "D"!]

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
[So he can ho-ho-ho.]

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
[Because he had low elf esteem.]

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
[Frostbite.]

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Holly
Holly who ?
Holly-days are here again !

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
[Ribbon hood.]

The 3 stages of man:
1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3) He is Santa Claus.

What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
[They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought practical gifts.]

One Christmas I got a battery with a note saying, "Toy not included."

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.
Doctor: Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.

Patient: Doctor, I'm scared of Father Christmas.
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Merry Christmas.

Q: How do cats greet each other at Christmas?
A: Have a furry merry Christmas and a Happy Mew Year.

Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: A merry Christmas to Ewe.

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