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Martha Stewart Does Christmas

by Elizabeth Smith

Last month I heard an item on the radio about a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving, which costs a mere $23,000. That got me to thinking about what Martha Stewart really gives for Christmas presents? So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen:

On the first day of Christmas, Martha Stewart gave to us,
a baked partridge in some pear sauce.

On the second day of Christmas, Martha Stewart gave to us,
two English plum puddings
and a partridge in some pear sauce.

On the third day of Christmas, Martha Stewart gave to us,
three French chocolates
two English plum puddings
and a partridge in some pear sauce.

On the fourth of Christmas, Martha Stewart gave to us,
four Baked Alaskas
three French chocolates
two English plum puddings
and a partridge in some pear sauce.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Martha Stewart gave to us,
five cups of herbal tea,
four Baked Alaskas
three French chocolates
two English plum puddings
and a partridge in some pear sauce.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a busy Martha Stewart gave to us,
a snow white petit point table cover
five cups of cold herbal tea,
four Baked Alaskas
three French chocolates
two English plum puddings
and a partridge in some pear sauce.

On the seventh day of Christmas, the hectic Martha Stewart gave to us,
7 mongrammed tea towels
an off-white petit point table cover
five cups of cold herbal tea,
four half-Baked Alaskas
three French chocolates
two English plum puddings
and a partridge in some pear sauce.

On the eighth day of Christmas, a frantic Martha Stewart gave to us,
8 dry clean only napkins
7 somewhat mongrammed tea towels
a very off-white petit point table cloth
five cups of cold herbal tea,
four half-Baked Alaskas
three sticky French chocolates
two English plum puddings
and a partridge in some pear sauce.

On the ninth day of Christmas, an agitated Martha Stewart gave to us,
9 cross stitched invitations
8 needing dry cleaning napkins
7 almost mongrammed tea towels
an extremely off-white petit point table cloth
five cups of cold herbal tea,
four half-Baked Alaskas
three sticky French chocolates
two English fruit-and-is-it-nut? puddings
and a partridge in some pear sauce.

On the tenth day of Christmas, the distraught Martha Stewart gave to us,
10 hand blown glass ornaments
9 partially cross stitched invitations
8 needing dry cleaning napkins
7 barely mongrammed tea towels
a just slightly stained petit point table cloth
five cups of cold sour tea,
four marshy-Baked Alaskas
three gooey French chocolates
two English some-kind-of-fruit puddings
and a baby partridge in some pear sauce.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a disheveled Martha Stewart gave to us,
11 personally crafted decorations
10 hand blown pieces of glass
9 crayoned invitations
8 beyond dry cleaning napkins
7 supposedly mongrammed tea towels
an effortlessly stained petit point table cloth
five cups of cold sour tea,
four mucky Baked Alaskas
three stuck together French chocolates
two English are-these-prunes? puddings
and a baby partridge in some kind of sauce. AND.....

On the twelfth day of Christmas, an incoherent Martha Stewart gave to us,
an imported dead German pine tree
11 glue and stick make-your-own decoration kits
10 very shiny, very tiny pieces of glass
9 illegible invitations
8 let*s-use-paper napkins
7 *is-this-a-mongram or a stain?* tea towels
a tie-dyed table runner
five cups of cold bitter tea,
four soggy Alaskas
three melted French chocolates
two English they-are-prunes! cakes
But the cat ate the partridge AND the pear sauce!
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