candy cane
A Kitten's 12 Days of Christmas Mischief

   
 On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...  
   
 A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to  
 grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second,  
 Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully  
 kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie  
 dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three  
 sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to  
 remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename  
 the recipe Paw Print Cookies.  
   
   
 On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me....  
   
 On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon  
 has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office  
 visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55  
 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas  
 decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet  
 removed the 3' curly *tail* in slightly less than two seconds by  
 tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.  
   
   
 On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...  
   
 13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to  
 chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving  
 the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under  
 the tree. How was I to know the kitten was actually measuring its  
 climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.  
   
   
 On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me...  
   
 A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men  
 plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99  
   
   
 On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...  
   
 The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an  
 accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone.  
 Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled  
 out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood  
 stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice.  
 Although the amount must remain secret according to our  
 settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many  
 soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major  
 Windfall!  
   
   
 On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...  
   
 The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really.  
 While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased  
 a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the  
 same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long  
 time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas  
 wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind  
 of bows Sara can't unravel.  
   
   
 On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...  
   
 The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one  
 earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel,  
 a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale  
 price: $29.95 plus tax.  
   
   
 On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...  
   
 Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten  
 could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha  
 guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded  
 once she got those rascally strings out of the way.  
 Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way I  
 came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous  
 escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar  
 for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to  
 get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our  
 annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings:  
 $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.  
   
   
 On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...  
   
 My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's  
 delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line:  
 $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B  
 through H.  
   
   
 On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me.....  
   
 The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a  
 disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed  
 a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time  
 favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful  
 Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95.  
 Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of  
 kittens with kleptomania.  
   
   
 On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....  
   
 The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it  
 was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now  
 infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a  
 little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.  
   
   
 On the twelfth day of Christmas........  
   
 Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.