Things I've Learned From My Children

Author Unknown

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
• It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes.
• A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000-square-foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
• Duplos will not.
• Play dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super Glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
• Ditto Tarzan.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).